I just feel like giving up. Am I? No, probably not, I just need to have a big ass pity party for myself before dusting myself off and fighting some more.
I don't need people to say to me, 'well, maybe they're right' or 'you can do it!' or any of that shit, I know I can do this, I need people to tell me how fucking SHITTY it is.
Now, with that said. . . .
I had another consult with yet another fertility clinic that a dear friend set up.
It went . . . . interestingly. The conversation started off with him asking me why I was coming down there, did I want donor eggs??
. . . .which really set me off. But he sounded nice, so I behaved.
I told him no, that we were having trouble staying pregnant and that we had issues and we would prefer OUR child to be OURS. Totally not saying that kids from donor eggs or sperm or adopted aren't anyones. . . fuck it, if I offended you, fuck off. There. Didn't mean to, but yeah. Sick of explaining myself.
Anywho, I said we would prefer to use OUR sperm and egg. And then we went over the history and he tried addressing my BMI.
For those of you who aren't fat. . . .
anyone who EVER brings up BMI is a red flag to fat people. It's THEIR nice way of saying 'oh, you're a little porker' without being offensive. Lets remember that this man is asking me about my BMI without EVEN seeing me.
A BMI = body mass index. A healthy person can have a high BMI and a very unhealthy person can have a very LOW BMI but sadly high BMI= bad in our medical professions eyes.
He tried to encourage me to loose weight because they had BMI guidelines and sadly, I was over those guidelines. I had to loose 10 lbs to be put on clomid and I would have to loose an excess of 40lbs to be even CONSIDERED for IVF.
Am I fat? Yeah, I am. Could I loose some weight, yeah, I could.
But lets look at the bigger picture here. I'm gluten free. I'm hfcs free. I don't eat a shit ton of processed foods. I am eliminating processed sugars. I don't drink soda. But by his standards, on paper, I am unhealthy. I am morbidly obese.
And I feel like I'm being kicked while I'm down.
*fan fare plays* Congratulations!! You've lost your eleventh child!!! And, as an added bonus, you're too fat and there is a huge likely hood that your fatness is killing your babies!!!
. . . .
. . . .
. . ..fuck that. Seriously.
Did I sit on the couch a weep? Yeah, I did. Then I went out and jogged 2 miles and biked another 2.
But hey, I'm morbidly obese, how could I jog.
