Panic

I've been panic attack free for almost a week. Today I had one. A bad one.

Started out fairly normal, shortness of breath, anxiety, distress, crying, etc. And I know what triggered it too.

Today some friends of ours could possibly be having twins via scheduled c section. They are 34 weeks gestational. I looked at the clock and I saw the time and instead of saying to myself 'wow, they are about to be parents.' I panicked visualized what happened to me.

Now I know every hospital birth isn't the same. I know many women have fulfilling experiences at the hospital, that isn't where my head goes. It goes to being in that white room, alone, feeling abandoned and being manipulated while I sobbed. 

I just got myself calmed down, I'm redirecting.

So I called my husband while I was panicking and his phone was off. I called his work line. I needed to talk to him, I needed . . . strength. He called back eventually and, I'm sure it wasn't his intention, but he yelled at me. He was probably in the parts room or somewhere loud and he raised his voice at me and I freaked out more.

You see, I'm threat sensitive. If someone raises their voice at me I either attack or flee. Normally it's flee. And I don't run away, I shut down. I guess it's because I equate yelling to hitting.

So, I called my mother and asked her to come over. We were going to go to walk around somewhere, I am nursing a bad back, and can't really go anywhere alone. Another story.

I told her I was panicking and she helped as best as she could. I got Little Man fed and cleaned up and dressed and off we went. She asked me if I was okay and I told her not really and began to explain why I was so upset.


She then said "at least you have a healthy baby."

I tried to explain to her how hurtful that was. I was very calm and rational as I explained to her that it discounted my experience, who cares if I was gutted alive and awake, at least I have the bouncing baby to show for it.

Then she said: 'Well, you should focus on your baby, at least you have a baby, I lost five.'

Without even thinking, it was almost instinctual, I said 'I LOST SEVEN!'

Logically, this wasn't a 'who suffered more' contest. I'm sure she meant well, but she pissed me off. She laughed at my anger, and I snapped at her again telling her not to laugh at me. It wasn't funny to which she laughed again. I'm sure it's her defense mechanism, when she doesn't know what to say or do she laughs to try and diffuse the situation.

At that point I turned us around and took us back to her house. The whole way back she tried to comfort me. I told her that I felt this was my fault. I should of known better. I shouldn't of listened to fear mongering people. I should of followed my gut and did what I thought was best. Could my section of saved Little Mans life? Maybe. But it did a shit load of damage on the way.

I told her how upset I was, that I was programed to feel everything was my fault. And what she said I find ironic, she told me every time I think it's my fault, say it's not.

Ironic, huh?

I'm feeling in a much better head-space, although I'm very burnt out. I need some me time and I wish people would understand that. I love my son dearly, but I need just a break once in a while.

God, I feel like such a fucking failure. And I normally try and be a glass half full kinda gal.

Mom eventually said "Well, I don't know what to say to you!"

I said this:
"After loosing all your babies and after you adopted me, how would of you felt if someone said 'well after all that, at least you have a baby.''

I told her to say what she would want someone to say to her. That some times, saying your sorry and I love you is all you CAN say. That no matter how much someone tries, they can't possibly know how I feel. What I went threw, what it was like.

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I have a tracker on this blog, so I can see who and where and so forth. And I have to say thank you for reading and being respectful of my feelings.

I know many people may lay into me or may be supportive of me. And sometimes I wonder what you are all thinking, but I'm happy not knowing. I'm happy knowing people are reading.

And I've gotten some comments, some people have personally emailed me and they have been beautiful emails of hope and support. So, thank you. Even if you never say anything to me about this, knowing you're reading and you're thinking of us means lots.