I Am

The last two days have been a doozy for me.

Yesterday a little boy died. His name was Joshua. I'm not going to go into the reasons or causes of his death, I'm just going to ask you hold your loved ones a little closer. I know I've been hugging Little Man tighter. I spent time angry and upset at his passing, now I'm trying to move on to bigger and better things.

Today I got to speak to a friend of Hubs, he and his wife are having twins and we're over the moon happy for them. Unfortunately their circumstances warrant a section. I wanted to make sure they had all the information they could. I offered to talk them threw what happens and then I lost it.

I mentioned a few things that happen and I lost it.

I completely lost it. I shut down.

I sat and cried for probably 20 minutes. I got online to try and stop the tears, but that didn't help. Hubs came and talked to me holding Little Man as I shook and cried. I was so . . . angry. . .but I couldn't figure out at what.

Someone pointed out to me that not all people worry about themselves while in birth or on the OR table. All that matters is the baby is safe.  I guess I'm selfish. I had to worry about me. It's all I could do. I felt everything. I knew my child was in danger, or at least that is what I was told, and I still worried about myself. I was terrified they would take my uterus. They would do something to me that would prevent me from having another child. And part of me was happy about that.

Days after my experience in the OR, I sobbed. I would look at my perfect little child and I kept saying, "I failed." It was hard for me to say it, but I did. I kept looking at him and feeling the pain all over again and I didn't know if I could do it. I didn't know if I wanted to do it.

Was Motherhood really worth this? Feeling my body ripped apart and put back together? And was this normal? Why did women think THIS was better then a vaginal delivery?! All I had was pain and sorrow. There wasn't a happy moment where they gave me my son and I knew him. I waited all my life for that moment and it never came. There was pain and blood and this horrible feeling that I was doing something wrong while strapped down to the table.

I'm told I saw Liam. I'm told we had a brief moment of cheek to cheek time. Which only upsets me more. His first moments of life were spent alone with people doing god knows what to him while his mother was knocked out and put back together.

But I feel like Humpty Dumpty and I feel like something is wrong with me and I'm missing a part of myself.

So it's hard for me to let someone go into a section not knowing what happens. I can't bare the thought that this could happen to someone else. It physically hurts me.

After Hubs got me calmer, he took me to the Market to pick up some things. While we were there I walked past a very pregnant woman. She was BEAUTIFUL. Glowing, radiant, bouncing about happy.

I simply said 'good luck, you can do it.'

And she beamed back excited 'Thanks! I'm being induced tomorrow!'

My heart fell. I had this need to try and protect her. I wanted to grab her and hug her and say 'don't go. Please don't go.'

I did something I should of never done.

"It's going to hurt. Pit hurts. Make them go slow. Make them take their time. Please. Good luck and I know you can do it."

She left happy and excited, not offended by what could be construed as a vicious remark. I left and cried in the meat department. I stood against the coolers, my son on my chest, and bawled.

I was angry at myself for saying something. I was angry at her for her choice. I was angry at her Doctors.

I shouldn't be. It's her choice. It's HER CHOICE. It's her choice.

But I am.