The Blame Game

Another hard therapy session today.

I went in with a plan. I knew what I wanted to talk about. But we didn't talk about it. Instead we talked about my anger and self esteem.

Anyone who knows me worth a grain of salt knows I put on a good front, but inside I have no self esteem. I know this. I don't need to pay someone to tell me it.

But talk about it we did. And I cried.

I feel like . . .they are twisting my thoughts. I felt like I was ganged up on.

I've never felt worth anything. I've never felt . . .special or. . .strong. . .or beautiful or. . .anything really.

The therapist says it's how I've been programed. How I am threat sensitive, meaning if someone yells or gets aggressive around me I normally shut down because that is how my parents disciplined me. They hit. And now I can't handle people yelling. I associate it with me getting hurt.

Then for some fucking reason we went onto self esteem. My Hubs and I were arguing in therapy about. . .how I don't think he sticks up for me and that translates into 'I'm not worth being stood up for.'

And instead of Hubs owning it and saying 'yeah, I probably could be a stronger advocate for you' the therapist said I should be my own advocate (which I am) and that I should examine what I just said.

That I'm not worth it.

I don't think I am worth it. I've had people tell me some fucked up shit in my life.
"You'd win Miss USA if you weren't so fat." - While watching the pageant with someone special
"You were flat during this one part of your Aria."- Closing night, from someone special
"You look like a smacked ass." - Instead of good morning.

There were many other things that have been said to me over the years. Embarrassment, teasing, abuse. . mostly mental. . .but it's all been programed into me and how I react.

And I suppose the primary feeling I have  is paranoia that I'm not good enough. I don't feel good enough. You know what? you could replace 'good' with any of these words:

Pretty
beautiful
thin
smart
talented
worth
loved

I don't feel like I am. And I constantly feel like a failure.

And the therapist wanted to bring this 'to light' and we needed to talk about it. But this is where I get pissed off. If you tell me, and he did, that part of this is how I 'perceive it' I'm going to think it's my fault.

And this goes back to my sons birth and how I think it's all MY FAULT. How I process anger, hurt, upsetment has caused me to distance myself from people. And . . .Hubs and the Therapist just kept. . . .TALKING to ME about it.

I kept telling them I didn't want to talk about it.

But they kept trying to TELL ME that it's in my head. And I'm fucking pissed off.

Am I really asking too much for Hubs to step in and be an advocate when I can't articulate how I'm feeling?! AM I?! Am I really asking too much for him to tell me I'm beautiful?! If HE KNOWS I have major self esteem issues, wouldn't the LOGICAL thing be to put me on a pedestal? If he knows the things he knows, why doesn't he?

And he said 'well I tell you I love you. I tell you you're beautiful.'

I asked him when was the last time he did this. He admitted a week ago.

I said if you know that I've felt this way for years. . . .if I've been programed this way. . .would once a week do ANYTHING for it? So then he tried, when we got home. He told me twice that I was beautiful and that I'm 'sexy' and I don't believe him.

Is he saying it just because I asked him to and he wants me to stop crying? Or is he doing it because he really believes it? And if he did believe it why didn't he say it more often?

But that goes back to how I 'perceive' things or interpret them and that is from my programing.

So while a 'deep' session, I really don't see how this helps me with my PTSD. Now I'm focusing on things other then that, and I'm really pissed off and upset about something else now.