Rock And A Hard Place . . . . .

I'm so conflicted. I'm also very torn. It's part of my nature you see, I'm a Pisces. My body is bound with rope by two fish pulling me in opposite directions all the time.

Right now I am torn on two things. My need to learn and my need to revel in the joy of my son.

You see, I love to learn. I love to read. I love to know 'pointless crap.' But, in this instance it's hard for me to read about what I want to learn about. Natural Child Birth. I read about something or even SEE those green scrubs and I freak out. So do I stop learning because of my fright? Because of my trauma? It's a hard place to be. There are some people that think shock treatment is the way to go. But I've tried it and it just isn't right for me. I have problems watching any 'childbirth' that isn't natural. And I will lump ALL hospital birth in there.

Why?

Because it's not natural to have an IV, continuous EFM, to lie on your back. . .And I can hear people now: "Well, I had a natural child birth in a hospital. . ." Great! Good for you. But I'd wager to say you were a rare thing. Over 30% of babies are born via section. I don't have the augmented labor numbers in front of me but I'd be willing to bet that more then 60% of labors are augmented, including section babies. But I digress. This is about me, not you.

Why is it hard for me to watch hospital birth? Mostly because I am enlightened.

You know the people who just found Jesus? They scream it on mountain tops and wear the "Jesus loves me!" hats? They have the bumper sticker that says "My boss is a Jewish Carpenter?"

That is how I feel about birth. And many people think I'm wrong or mean or . . .stupid. And I get that. But here's where they are different from me. I have knowledge. I am trying to share that knowledge. I'm outraged because I fell prey and I don't want that to happen to another person on this earth. So that is why I can't watch those bullshit shows. Because I cry. I know the traps. I see women set up to fail. Then when they are so exhausted they are given bottles of formula to undermine their milk production.

So I'm walking a delicate rope. I need to know more. I need to be armed. . .but arming myself upsets me. And it's getting worse. I think it's getting worse because my beautiful Little Man will be one in two weeks. It's so easy for me to think back to where I was a year ago at this time, blissfully confident in my choices of provider, more so that I was even bragging about it to women who had an OB. What a stupid girl I was.

I chose to have a hospital birth because my mother talked me into it. She was very much into the 'fear' that surrounds birth and she herself was traumatized by OBs. So I chose who I chose to shut her up. And I felt bad for my Mother. She . . .

My mother had four still births. One of the babies was born in pieces. She recounts this, even today, as clearly as if it happened yesterday. They wouldn't let her hold her babies. They wouldn't let her bond or love on them. She never got ashes. Just 'forget about them.' Which is the wrong thing to do.

I've asked her to go to therapy to talk about this and she doesn't think she needs to. It was so hard for her to see me get to places she didn't get to. She was fascinated with feeling my son kick and move in my belly, because she never got to feel that. When we talked about my shower she didn't want me to have it 'too early.' Because if I had a still birth I'd have to give the gifts back.

These are things she had to go threw. I found them vicious at the time, but she went threw them. And now I feel horrible for her.

I feel horrible for every woman that goes threw birth rape/trauma. Partly because I wish I could do something for them, partly because I know how powerless it can make you feel. Because it's encouraged by OBs and RNs.

It's encouraged by saying 'at least you have a healthy baby.' Which is bullshit. No one ever said that to me after I was raped. "At least you're alive."

No shit, asshole. At least I am.

Almost a year and I still feel like Humpty Dumpty.